If I could sum up this past year I would call it my “year of mental and emotional growth”. While this past year we were able to do so many fun things, see lots of family and take plenty of trips, when I think back over it the thing that stands out most is the emotional ride I have been on.

            Last year started with us continuing our adoption journey. By this point it had been almost a year and I was feeling frustrated and defeated to the verge of depression. Not only had we not had any real leads or contacts from a birth mother but I still had not really felt this burning feeling that there was a baby waiting to join our family regardless of how bad I wanted one. This had been something I had been wanting and working towards for close to 2 years now and I still had no clarity! Worse yet I had resorted to pushing down all my emotions because I just didn’t know what to do with them anymore nor did I want to feel them. I was stuck with what felt like a dark cloud looming over me. After much prayer and some research, I decided to start going to therapy to learn how to have a healthier relationship with my emotions and move past this feeling of nothingness. The biggest thing I learned in therapy is that it makes you cry…A LOT…no matter what you are talking about! I discovered that I needed to cope with the loss of not being able to have any more biological children. I had used this adoption process to keep me distracted from that loss and don’t give myself permission to feel certain emotions.

            Come March, a few months into my therapeutic healing journey, while sitting in what Latter Day Saints of Jesus Christ call “Stake Conference” I heard this quiet voice in my head that said clear as day “It’s time to stop looking and move on.” After months and months of having no clarity I finally got my answer. Eric and I both knew it was right regardless of my deep desire to still have more kids; however, it was time to face the rode ahead and focus on the children I did have. Talk about a whole other emotional rollercoaster! I had to face the reality of getting rid of all the baby things I’d saved because I would not need them anymore, the reality that I would not have a big family and the reality that my life was going to look different then I had always planned. Biggest hurdle yet is I had to face the grief that came with that and man was it hard! It was a silent and lonely grief that not many people knew about or saw and one I had a hard time allowing myself to acknowledge. It was something I only expected to feel for the short time frame I allotted myself to feel. Instead it continued to creep up on me in unexpected moments months later. And in my grief and while contemplating a lot on what was ahead came my crazy idea to call a trailer home for a year and explore the US. (If you want the reasoning behind that see my previous post.)

            So it’s safe to say it’s been an interesting year. I have learned a lot about myself and how I deal with emotions, I have learned about grief and loss and I have had to learn to embrace change and uncertainty. Regardless of the growth I feel I have made I still find myself dragging my feet at the arrival of a new year. While it feels good to have a little more clarity, this coming year will bring more tough emotions I will have to face as we prepare to move and it will include a lot more change! There will also be lots to learn including learning the in’s and out’s of a 5^th wheel we know absolutely nothing about, how to sell a house, living in a small space, and the layout and workings of each place we visit to name a few. I won’t lie, I am nervous about the year ahead yet excited to carve a path for our family of 4 that is our own. I have faith it’s the right thing for our family and know God is leading me along the way even when I can’t see the end result.

Cheers to a new year and whatever crazy things lie ahead for it!